Awareness

I need to escape, I need a refuge all my own where no one can enter and I can vent all day long.

Everyone writes about freedom, everyone writes about escape but no one knows my pain or

my predicament…no one can maintain under these conditions not even me, all my resilience

means nothing when I have nothing and no one you see. Ridicule is around every corner, I’m the butt of

every joke, I’m looking for an exit from the fire, from the flames, from the dark, from the light and all I see

is smoke.

There is no justice there is no peace, how long must I wait for my savior to rescue me? I’d wait forever

just as long as i get some peace, calm, caressing, soothing, beautiful, loving–peace.  Did I mention love?

was that mulled over in the sentence I just wrote? Where I reside now there is no love…I am only aware of the love

God has for me

Resisting Resistance

I am trying to get in the mode of writing but it’s hard. Because Resistance.

I think a more accurate description is internal resistance. I have been reading a book given to me by one of my professors, The War of Art. It discusses the simple fact that when you have the passion, the heaven-called vocation to produce art (in whatever form that may take – I have twofold art, I’ll talk about that later), there is an internal force that pulls you in the opposite direction. What is this pull? The author, Steven Pressfield calls it “Resistance.” This appears at the root of all bulwarks of accomplishment, it works in concert with fear, self-doubt, sex, self-medication and a myriad of other things to prevent us from being who we are meant to be.

So this very post is resistance to resistance. That’s why I want to distinguish it as an INTERNAL resistance that halts, in this instance, me from writing the piece that will change the world, while it is a Critically Conscious Resistance that presses on toward greatness.

I am trying to write a few things in order for them to be published at some point. Small scale – in some newsletters, mid scale- in a graduate student journal, and large scale – in a peer reviewed journal. Am I trying to be too ambitious? Should I wait until I have conducted more research? Should I wait until I have finished my doctorate? I think there are few times when I’ll have this much drive to accomplish more, learn more, be more. I literally had folks told me I wasn’t going to be successful and that I wouldn’t make it to where I am. It’s not enough to just BE here, I need to DO something here. There is no time like the present as they say. PLUS, the world is quite honestly disintegrating around us, there’s no time to wait anymore.

I spent today and will spend tomorrow evening as well on campus into the late evening watching and discussing the issues in the Netflix documentary, “13th.” I have faith in some of our next generation but there are plenty others we need to do more than just pray for. Education, I believe, is the answer, because it changed me. I’m not talking about my degree but what the journey made me.

There are a lot of people who research or dialogue about things I’m interested in but not many from my vantage point and no one can speak for me but me. I’m pretty much done with relying on others to voice what I can voice myself. My voice matters and I’m going to wield it like a weapon to empower others as well. I vocalized this for the first time in an activity in class two weeks ago. This proves once again, I’m right where I need to be and I’m doing exactly what I need to be doing.

 

Things I’m reading (Cuz I can only leisure read in bits at a time): 

The War of Art by Steven Pressfield

Transcending the Talented Tenth: Black leaders and American intellectuals by Joy James

Intersectionality by Patricia Hill Collins & Sirma Bilge

From #BlackLivesMatter to Black Liberation by Keeanga-Yamahtta Taylor

Black Panther by Ta-Nehisi Coates

books-im-reading

Processing…

Well I’m back, many years later.

I felt compelled to make this a public diary because at this point in my life I need it. I need to actively and consistently and actively write. Even if it’s an informal format.

Since my last post, a lot has changed. I came back to UCR as a graduate student and shook some things up. I got a master’s degree. I lived in Hawai ‘i. Met interesting folks. Made some questionable decisions. Lost lots of things. Wasted lots of money. Had some personal and emotional stress. Got a new job back in California, ready to shake up another campus. Got into a doctoral program. Got all A’s. Ready to change the world.

Now that that you’re caught up and that’s out of the way.

The Purpose.

I think as well I think to process. I need to allow time and space for my brain to process all that I just shared. I need time to process my new station in life. I got to worry about even more adult things, you know things that a 30 year old worries about. I got to use checks to pay rent. Apparently, we have to buy a humidifier for the house because we have humidity in the house for some reason…I bought a water filter…idk, whatever.

I also have to unfortunately process this new world we live in. A world where leadership skills and capability to run the country is conflated with “telling it like it us” and “alt facts.” The whitewashed version of Shirley Chisolm’s Unbought and Unbossed is slowly metamorphing into what many sensible people feared would happen with Trump’s election. Much worse than more of the same, something far worse. A Wal-Mart style roll back (remember those commercials?) to a Great America that didn’t respect the rights of many of the people who now occupy our nation. An America that called itself America even though the term encompasses a continent with more than 30 other nations in it. An America that creates a euphemism for white supremacy and colonialism called Manifest Destiny, which later is taught to students all over the country in such a matter of fact way.

But who am I to talk? I’m just a guy from South Central LA. It’s not like I study history, education, race, and ethnicity. I read literature. I read political biographies and autobiographies. I read histories on the structure, policy, and law of higher education. From the students to the leaders, to the states, to the institutions, I’m pouring through it regularly. We see it everywhere that power, oppression, and privilege run parallel to the development of our political, social, medical, financial, and educational systems.

Oh but we should wait and see right? Nah. I’m not going to just “wait and see” when it’s my rights, my loved ones, and my very existence as a person on the line. That wasn’t a question when President Obama was elected. But maybe that’s what conservative feared? Maybe they feared that Barack was going to go Hussein on them and round them up and exterminate them. But he didn’t. And he never said he would. But DT has said it and this calls for protest, it calls for accountability to our written laws and vocalized values, this calls for sleepless nights and work. The BEST Social Justice work, Its Going to be HYUGE. Just you wait. This is just the beginning.

until next time…

23 Quotes That Perfectly Explain Racism (To People Who Don’t “See Color”)

Thought Catalog

Cameron RussellCameron Russell

If the first words out of your mouth are to cry ‘political correctness!’, … chances are very, very high that you are in fact part of the problem. N.K. Jemisin
White people don’t like to believe that they practice identity politics. The defining part of being white in America is the assumption that, as a white person, you are a regular, individual human being. Other demographic groups set themselves apart, to pursue their distinctive identities and interests and agendas. Whiteness, to white people, is the American default. Tom Scocca
never
trust anyone
who says
they do not see color.
this means
to them,
you are invisible. Nayyirah Waheed
People know about the Klan and the overt racism, but the killing of one’s soul little by little, day after day, is a lot worse than someone coming in your house and lynching you. Samuel L. Jackson
The problem is…

View original post 1,437 more words

Dreaming

Written 11-9-06

Let’s keep quiet because it seems I’m sleeping,
Its where my subconscious keeps my secrets.
I had a dream I was driving and man I was flying
Nicholas in the passenger,
Patience I was mainly the manager.
This girl was in the backseat that I don’t think I’ll ever meet
I was calm a bit excited until the red light was sighted.
The colors of the night blended together
Street lights neon-Las Vegas type sights.
We were safe as soon as I hit the brake
I had this dream two years after ’98.

The contrast of this darkness passed, I’m gonna
Tell you about ’96, daydreaming while my mom
Was cash checking in Nix.
Seat reclined my mind went to the Divine,
Into the heavens, hopefully not the 7th.
McDonald’s was across the street,
so inside my mind he creeped.
Ronald was waiting in the clouds then I was
Quickly pulled back down.
My death was lurking like most any person
But God was yet working.

10 years after that Death kept pulling me back.
I was sleeping on my couch on my stomach
But I had reached my summit,
The peak of sleep & I could feel something.
There was a knock at the door,
I now interpret the Lord.
I’m lazy and didn’t want to get up
I said, “Who are you looking for?”
No answer. He’s looking for the Youth Pastor,
I said in my brain. So I called out his name.
I heard the knock again. Forget it so I decide to get up
Only to find I am stuck. I could actual feel real stiff-
Paralyzed. White light came before my eyes
Passed across the mind’s screen was…
DON’T BE SO MEAN, EVEN IF PEOPLE TREAT YOU WRONG
DON’T HOLD A GRUDGE TOO LONG.
DO YOUR WORK & PROVE YOUR WORTH.
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE,
DONT WORRY ABOUT HATERS BECAUSE VENGENCE IS MINE.
Then at that exact time I awoke from my dream
Immediately, I said, know what this means.
I’m no modern day Daniel and this is kind of hard to handle.
All I can do is chalk it up to is to Show love, that’s enough &
Do my job and that’ll please God.

I am impressed that in my stress You invest You hope that I hurt when I fall you laugh at me first

I am dirt? What are you worth? How r u better? U get my letter?

It says go.

It Still Exists…

I have been very absent from posting on this blog but in light of recent events I must make my voice heard.
I am a product of the UC system and a proud Alumnus of the University of California, Riverside. I am infuriated by the madness that has been taking place recently on the campus of UC San Diego….Racism is alive and well….In order to get more information on the specifics view this article and watch the video contained therein.

http://www.sandiego6.com/news/local/story/UCSD-ghetto-party-Compton-Cookout/wTt–T9Odk227q6ObcEauA.cspx

The struggle continues with riots in Berkeley, rallies at UC Santa Cruz and arrest of UC Irvine students holding a sit-in. They are truly not alone. The African American students may be 1.3% of the student body of UCSD but they have brethren who are prepared to show solidarity in their cause everywhere.

To add insult to injury and after so much progress was being made after the march on Wednesday, February 24, which was attending by students in support of the BSU’s cause all over California (UCLA, UCR, CSUDH, CSULB, SDSU, etc.), then a noose is found late last night in the library…

http://ucregentlive.wordpress.com/2010/02/26/a-noose-found-at-ucsd-library/

Wednesday was a monumental occasion which in my heart and soul hearkens back to the civil rights movement of the 1960’s. It is not over. The so-called Lost Generation has been Found

This all occurring as we approach 1. The Day of Action March 4th, and 2. UC Student Lobby Day, February 27-March 1, where students of all walks of life will “march” on the California Capital and lobby for Higher Education, Saving the Cal Grant, Better Health Care for Graduate Students and Preparing for the 2010 Gubernatorial Election.

And Last but by no means least,   April 30-May 2nd is the date of the African Black Coalition Conference @ UC Riverside, which gathers all students of the African Diaspora (people that identify as having descent from Africa, who refer to themselves as Black or African American or just African), to discuss and propose solutions to the issues they all must face as small percentages of an institution not inherently built upon principles of multicultural but of exclusion and privilege. There we will have workshops, influential speakers and will find a critical issue in which to attack and change.

Now is the time for change…even though IT still exists we must let IT know that WE still exist as well and that the Spirit of our ancestors and the Fight that resided in them lives on in us. We’re not going to take it anymore.

Let People Live and Hatred Die

Let People Live and Hatred Die

Outburst

I’m tired of waiting and saying bull is fading paying the price of my vice
feels like  i’m dyin more than twice If  i’m a louse guess u the lice
U can’t say i’m patient can’t i haven’t been to the pavement
i’m the  concrete from the rose no need to pose wear my clothes
fit my shoes pay my dues and lets see if we get all the same clues
I’m the colonel send me to the inferno that’s where u want me die
or for u to forever haunt me it’s daunting no love no duh
sorry self deserves none